The Dreaded "D" Word

So you’ve been married for some time or maybe you realized within a year of the marriage that this is not going to work. The dreaded “D” word comes up. Yes, divorce. Just the mention of that word can send couples into a tail spin. Typically when the word divorce is mentioned, most people assume the worse, however that is not always the case. It is not uncommon that some marriages that end in divorce turn out to be quite amicable. The partners are able to come to an understanding and they learn to prioritize what is most important such as co-parenting, if they’re children involved, and to provide each other with well needed emotional and financial support. However in a lot of cases, divorces are messy and ugly, often times people are left trying to figure out how did they ever marry this person to begin with. According to the Center for Disease Control (2022), there are 1,676,911 marriages in the U.S.A. with a 2.3 percent divorce rate per 1000.

What are the top reasons people are experiencing divorce:

Lack of communication
Infidelity
Finances
Physical and/or emotional abuse
Lack of Intimacy
Realizing that person you married has changed Or maybe you did
Spending less time with each other due to other obligations
Constant arguing and bickering
Simply, just growing apart
Dishonest partner

Divorce comes with a set of emotions that can take you to the darkest places and it can literally bring out the worst in you and/or your partner. Not to mention if they’re children involved, the situation may become even more acrimonious.

If you are heading down the path of divorce and in need of emotional support, strategies on co-parenting, mediation, assistance with healthy communication between both parties, or help envisioning a life after divorce, please reach out to me.

All the best,

Dr. B.

Center for Disease Control (2022). National Center for Health Statistics. Marriage and Divorce. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm

Swipe Left or Swipe Right

You’re ready for a fierce social life or maybe you’re ready for love. Or maybe everything else in your life seems to be perfect and you feel like you’re missing that one thing to complete the puzzle that will add to your already fruitful life. You’re ready to date. People tend to meet their partners in places such as the grocery store, church, sporting events, work, through a friend, bars, night clubs, or restaurants. But what if you feel that you’ve had no luck in these places, what’s plan B? Well, more than ever people are flocking to dating sites or apps to find true love and a life long partner.

Some may not be in agreement with meeting people on sites, while others believe it’s the best way to score a hot date. Since we’ve been battling “The Vid” for the last few years, dating apps were probably the best way to hook up. Think about it, you’re able to communicate with someone, fulfilling those emotional needs all the while playing it safe by maintaining a safe distance.

What are some things people look for on a dating site before they “swipe right.” Here is a list (by no means is this list exhaustive):

Facial Features- such as eye color, smile, teeth (please have all of them), shape or length of their nose, lip size.

Height- Most women prefer that their mate is taller than they are, while men may be a little more accepting of a taller woman.

Physique- Some may prefer an individual that it is obvious the gym is their second home, while others are completely fine with a little extra fluff.

Interests- Hobbies or other fun ways they spend their time.

Occupation/Education- Currently has a substantial income or the potential to earn one.

Now as mentioned, this is not an exhaustive list and also this list represents the first few things that people are immediately attracted to or not. The other characteristics and things one would look for come a little later such as: location, kids (or not), humor, affection, complimentary, adventurous, genuine, honest, ethical, morally intact and responsible. Do I need to add, preferably without a criminal history, or is that a given?

There are some people who have tried dating sites and are fortunate enough to find love and have all the boxes of “must haves” checked off, while others have had complete misfortunes (aka stalkers) and vow to never log on again.

Dating on any platform can be difficult, whether in person, online or a blind date. The first priority should always be safety. Let someone know who and where you’re meeting and always meet in an area where there is a crowd (they make for good witnesses). Second, don’t be afraid to do a little snooping to find out additional information about the person you will be spending time with. Third, make sure those “must haves” boxes are checked, there is no need to settle. Lastly, enjoy the pleasures and excitement of dating.

If you are thinking about getting back in the dating scene or you’re currently dating and have some concerns, send me an email to schedule an appointment for relationship coaching.

All the best,

Dr. B.

Transform Your Relationship by Doing These 3 Things

So, you finally found the right one. They are loving, charming, selfless, relatable, and genuine. The first few years of the relationship have been adventurous and full of spontaneity. Now several years have passed and things are not as exciting. Maybe work hours have increased, children are now part of the equation, or life, in general, has taken its course and there is a list of demands that has to be met. Whatever the case, the quality time spent with your significant other has now decreased, and brushing your teeth together is now considered a major event. What’s happening here? The relationship and the commitment to each other have now taken the backseat to everything else. Of course there are responsibilities that must be attended to such as working, grocery shopping, taking the kids to school or sporting events, however the relationship still requires attention despite the number of things listed on the “to do” list.

Here is a list of three things that can help reignite that flame:

1. Time: Grab those calendars and be very intentional about scheduling a time for just you and your partner and make it recurring. Date night doesn’t have to mean an extravagant dinner. Put the kids to bed and order in. How about this, you can set your alarm clock fifteen minutes earlier in the mornings just to cuddle or meditate together and set your daily intentions. How about finding time to go on a scenic drive together, or a casual walk holding hands. The bottom line is, TIME, find it, it’s possible and necessary.

2. Compliment Each Other: Sometimes you get so caught up with the mundane things of life that you forget to tell your partner how amazing they look. Throw a compliment their way and not just any compliment like, “you look nice.” Try this, “I love when you wear your hair like that, it really brings out your eyes” or “you look amazing in that outfit, I’m so lucky to be with you.” Male or female, everyone loves a compliment, especially if it’s by your partner. It means they’re noticing you and the sparks are still there.

3. Show Appreciation: This one goes a long way. Everyone wants to feel that the work they’re doing is not in vain and it has been noticed. Let your partner know they are appreciated, if not verbally, there are other ways. Write a quick note about how they are appreciated, show them by taking over one of their household tasks (i.e. dishes, vacuuming, taking out the trash, laundry, etc.), or maybe they’ve mentioned a “thing” they have been meaning to get to, if possible do it for them or make it so they now have the time to complete that task. Appreciation can often be considered someone’s love language, so why not show them how much they are loved.

Relationships are challenging and remember there are characteristics about this person that initially drew you to them, so why not make it work and find ways to rekindle what once was. It’s not meant to be easy, everything worth having requires work, grit, and dedication. As time progresses your relationship will improve if you incorporate these three things.

If this is something that resonates with you and you are interested in relationship coaching, reach out to me on my contact page and schedule your coaching sessions.

All the best,

Dr. B.

3 Reasons Why Relationships Fail

Let’s face it, relationships are difficult. A healthy relationship will include some disagreements but, for the most part, the couple is content and they are able to reconcile. In many relationships this is the case, however, there are many others where challenges arise that can cause a relationship to fail. Although relationships come to an end for many reasons, lack of trust, infidelity, and finances seem to be the repeat offenders. Let’s dissect them.

Lack of Trust:

Issues with trust can go two ways. First, one or both partners may enter the relationship with issues relating to trust. The loss of trust in the prior relationship that went unresolved has now seeped its way into the current relationship. The same nagging feeling that something isn’t right anxiety and fear, and suspicions are now a daily fixture with your current partner. Although they may have never given your reasons to doubt them, they continuously pay for the sins of your previous partner.

The second area in which trust can become an issue in a relationship is when your partner deliberately violates your trust. In the current relationship, they may lie about their whereabouts, use the family's hard-earned savings for personal ventures, or become unfaithful. No matter what, the violation of trust is lost and the relationship is now in jeopardy.

Infidelity:

One of the biggest violations of them all is infidelity. Now for some people, this is not a deal-breaker. Some couples are able to forgive, maybe go to therapy and eventually reconcile. For others, it’s not that easy, nor is forgiveness an option. Issues related to trust are now at the surface and a host of emotions such as anger and sadness are soon creeping their way into your thoughts. It’s like experiencing the seven stages of grief. There is disbelief and shock, denial, guilt and pain, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. It is not uncommon to cycle through these stages multiple times. Oftentimes, the partner that was cheated on begins to look at themselves in a different light. Thoughts such as I wasn’t good enough and what’s wrong with me also begin to consume their thoughts. Infidelity is painful and anyone who has experienced this would agree that it is one of the worst transgressions.

Finances:

The infamous money troubles. Finances are a major part of any couple's relationship. In some relationships, there is typically a breadwinner, the one that makes the most money, if not all of the money, and pays the bills. In some relationships, partners have agreements that one person stays home to raise the kids while the other works or both partners opt to work and financially provide for the household. Financial problems develop in the relationship when there is a loss of income, the economy takes a dive, the breadwinner no longer wants to be in that role, or one or both partners are spending too much money. Any of these scenarios can cause a rift in the relationship. In some cases, these issues can be resolved with a financial advisor and strategies on how to better manage your money. However, in some cases, the relationship is not salvageable and inevitably it is agreed upon that it is best to go your separate ways.

As mentioned previously, relationships are difficult as it is, and these factors can only add stress, anxiety, frustration, and ultimately depression. Whether you’re married or have a significant other, these components can cause partners to go their separate ways, and ultimately the relationship will come to an end.

If any of these factors resonate with you, know that you have options and you are not alone. Many relationships have been salvaged despite a lack of trust, infidelity, or issues related to finances. Sometimes you just need support and that can come in many forms. One way is to work with a relationship coach, whether individually or as a couple, and that’s where I come in. If you’ve read this article in its entirety and feel that you can use some help in this area, go to the contact page and schedule your free consultation.

All the best,

Dr. B.